Puzzle Pieces and A Shinning Armor

Middle school experience certainly added another piece to the puzzle called "teaching identity." At first I didn't like the idea of being there at all, I wanted high school students; the ones that are supposed to act mature but necessarily don't and the literature in the classroom.  Who knew I'd be missing tha cannon of English literature.  Shakespeare gone, Emily Dickinson, Poe and Achebe made the middle school feel like it was missing an essential ingredient for me.  By the end of my time there and after teaching nine classes I left not despising it but knowing that it is not where my teaching spirit lies. 

I mostly left with more classroom management experience, a new teacher friend and memories from students that inevitably touched my heart in a short amount of time.  Beyond the challenges and the negative shadow that lies above the teaching world, I still wish to become someone within that world despite what others have to say.  As the road comes to an end more criticism arises and the thought of it being true is preparing me to shine my armor, have the right tools and inevitably endure in the battles that will come.  For now I look forward to the upcoming break so I can get back to enjoying my family.  The end of January will surely come with a lot to take in as I transition into the new phase....Student Teaching.

Broken Bonds and Sacrifices

I left Monday morning sad and heartbroken.  It was the first time since the school year started that I didn't get to bathe my daughter, get her ready for school and put her on the bus.  This made me feel a bit bitter about going to Coventry; as all of you know I love her dearly and motherhood is one of the most fulfilling works I do on a daily basis.  I am glad that by the end of the day at Coventry this changed.  It was our last class and over the lunch break we learned that one of the students is currently in foster care.  The teacher told us they asked him how his Thanksgiving was, and he responded that next year it will be better because this year he had learned that his mother had passed away.  Although he was not living with her this affected him very much; I don't know all the circumstances but I know she brought him to this world and he knows it too.  My heart went out to this boy who was happy during our teaching time, participated and was the most friendly students towards us.  Then all of this allowed me to reflect on teaching once again.

I have a motherhood instinct after all I am a mother but wanting to be a teacher has demonstrated me that all the kids are not as lucky to have a family and grow up with loving parents.  This is where the idea of school being a second home comes in from.  Students often have hard lives at home already and coming to school helps them forget what is going on back at home.  While some students don't like school others view school as an escape.  Classrooms are that place where students who are not valued at home can become someone important.  They can help the teacher, get good grades and become a favorite student.  Teachers take on the roles of parents and important individuals in these kids lives.  I remember being little and falling in love with my teachers because they made me feel welcomed and special.  Now thinking about my future as a teacher, I see that students are human first, they are individuals with lives just like the rest of us and that part of our job as a teacher is to nurture and care for them to encourage learning in a positive environment.  This is why I believe some teachers don't have kids; at least one of my high school teachers used to say that his students were his kids, he didn't need any.  Days like this one help me to see the teacher I want to be and also make me love my profession even more.  Teachers might not get paid much or be talked about in positive ways as we would like but the rewards are numerous in other areas.  Impacting student lives, helping them to see a brighter side of life and making the classroom a second home develops thankful students and better individuals for our society.

After leaving Coventry the bitterness was gone, at least I could still pick up my little girl at the bus and enjoy her kisses, hugs and daily stories something one student from our middle school would not be able to do.  Once again I think back to being the caretaker of the human spirit and how this situation is so relevant for that reference.

Mountains to climb

Megan and I have been going to Coventry for three weeks now, it has been a challenge with the rotating schedules and to add to it the really weird system under which we have to work on.  Of the numerous times we went, we have only seen one of the classes twice, the other we have only seen once or probably just maybe never.  The one we did see, we are not teaching, yes,,,hard to understand and we are still trying to figure how we are going to work all this out.  So for collaborative goals, I believe we are going into this HOPEFUL...very hopeful that even though we don't know the students by name or had time to build even a small connection they will be open to letting us teach them.  After all the first time we were there they called us "strangers," something that lingers in the back of my mind as I picture myself standing in front of their classroom.  Together we wish to work things out in a way where we can accomplish something with what we have planned.  Our week begins with creating name tags to become familiar with students until the very end that will consist of a piece of argumentative writing.  That is one thing we know about our students and we have seen across all the different classes we have observed...they LOVE to argue!!!

My personal goals consist of beating the little voices inside my head; those that tell me middle school is so different from high school and make me doubt myself and the others that tell me I don't know these students, who am I to teach them.  Indeed high school was very different, I bonded with the students way before we started teaching them and I had learned names the first week; not to mention we had been invited to take over and teach before it had translated into an assignment.  I also want to prove to myself that while I may not teach middle school for a living and my "true passion" in teaching doesn't rely with middle schoolers or away from the English world that I love so much, I will still be able to embrace the moment and make the best out of it.  Yes it's a different environment, yes there are challenges already but at the end I want to breathe and say "I did it, I climbed another mountain and conquered it...I survived another environment in the teaching world."

Inhabiting Different Worlds

What can I say about middle school,,,to be sincere not much.  While I always try to make the best out of every experience I'm still trying to find myself in the sea of small people who are not so welcoming.  I find myself a stranger among the majority of white students who dominate the school.  Not to mention I can't get used to kids hauling three, four and five huge binders from class to class.  Maybe it takes more than a month to get used to this atmosphere or maybe my "teaching" spirit lies within the pages of literature that I now miss and the adolescents that come in a high school classroom but one thing us for sure...this middle school experiences has made me feel and explorer, a traveler...a discoverer.  I have found things about my teaching identy, it has taught me the type of teacher I want to embody whether it be from bad experience or good.  I'm still trying to find a place, especially now that I have to go in on Monday and teach classes that we've only seen once, to student's whose names I don't know.  All I know right now is that middle school is this strange world that I haven't yet found my place in. 

The good, The Bad and The Ugly

Middle school....whoa, something we were not expecting....Today we went to Coventry middle school and we were thrown a curveball.

First of all we shall talk about the good.  No cell phone issues!!! Dear God this was the highlight of my day.  Students were being reprimanded for using electronic devices that they should have not been using in the first place.  I've been in different high school classrooms and they all had their faces in their laps due to the constant checking of cell phones or ipods.  Apparently students at the middle school level are not so worried about cell phone conversations.  I think the major solution to the cell phone problem at Coventry was how they reprimand the problem when a students uses one.  Our cooperating teacher told us that if students were caught with their cellphones a first time they would be called on by the teacher, the second time they would be reported to the principal and the third time the principal would take the phone for the remainder of the year.  Most importantly parents could not get mad or interfere because if they come in the principal will say to them it is strictly stated in the handbook.

Now let's move on to the bad.  I hope that by the end of the month my mind changes about teaching middle school but it is not something i'm looking forward to now to be sincere.  Middle school is such a different atmosphere from the high school feeling and not to mention the extra perks we have added.  The first of the perks being a crazy rotating schedule; I mean there is two teachers...one of them teaches mon, wed and fri and the other teaches tues and thurs in one week but then the next week they switch days.  Somehow they manage not to have the same students and teach the same curriculum.  Second, these particular teachers, teach out of a "cart."  What this means is that they have no set classroom which doesn't allow them to align seats in the manner they desire or takes time away from class because they cannot have the technology ready if she is using it on a particular day.  I really could add more to this list but I don't want to seem like the highly critical person.  At this point I am just trying to embrace all that's going on, still trying to figure it out and adapt in some shape or form.

Tomorrow morning we go back to Coventry and as much as I know there are more negative setbacks instead of the positive ones, there is still a classroom filled with 28 students who don't need to worry about my hard time adapting.  I must put on my teaching face and move on...this aspect of teaching I have learned will be one of the ones which I will be using the most.

Vigilante

So much can be learned about one's personality from teaching one lesson or from teaching a whole week.  The teaching week at Central High provided me with insight as to who I want to be as a future teacher.  Also the topics that I learned about ranged from classroom management to teaching voice.

After my teacher came to observed us and gave us many positive regards I was happy to know that I was on the "right path."  I was scared at first to be watched but after it was all over I was happy to have had the advice of someone who wants the best for her future teachers.  I remember starting off with a mini lesson back in 406, which was to be taught to our peers and now I was teaching a whole week.  We planned for a whole week, this felt like such an accomplishment on Friday.

My favorite lesson was the one we taught on Monday.  It involved Oedipus and finding irony in the pages we had read.  Students were divided into three groups each being observed by either Emmanuel, Ms. Friendson or myself.  In my group we collected more examples than the ones we had to have done; not to mention they worked successful in supporting each other.  I am not going to lie, I think this lesson was rather successful because each one of us was there to support our groups.

One major observation and learning that I took away from this week was the success of having multiple teachers teaching one class.  Teaching is a secluded job; teachers often set boundaries within their classrooms and isolate themselves.  Teaching with two other people provided me with an opportunity to have other's knowledge and support.  It made lesson planning easier and reflections be much diverse coming from different points of view.  While it is irrelevant because classrooms are not going to have three teachers at a time but it was still nice to experience this.

One down, Four More to Go!!!

Our first lesson went so great today that I am afraid Dr. Cook is going to come in to observe us tomorrow and that one is going to go horrible.  You could say right now that I am not being too optimistic, hopefully that will all fade away by tomorrow.  I think that us humans are intimidated by the idea that we are being watched.  Yes back in Prof. Feldstein's class we learned about this theory.  Tonight this is something that I feel strongly about, it is hard to shut everything else going around you and concentrate on teaching when there is your professor in the back of the class watching you!!!  Our lesson today went on to teach students the importance of compiling and gathering examples before you begin writing an essay.  We emphasized to students that this was a benefit for them, so when they start writing their irony essays, they don't have to go read the whole play again searching for examples.  Students welcomed the idea and we embarked on making three groups of about eight students each.  Each group was assigned either Emmanuel, Ms. Friendson or I.  We divided the sections of the book into three and each group was assigned one.  Then we went to work, one of the strategies that I used in my group was assigning students each one page from the reading and if they didn't find irony there they would have to go to the five pages that were left and search there.  It was very productive and I walked out of Central today feeling accomplished.  Students were asked to find three examples and in my group we were able to come up with six, talk about being on task and everyone cooperating.  Amongst ourselves we shared our examples and picked the best one to present to our fellow classmates.  These examples all had to be explained thoroughly, students had to give an explanation to why this was dramatic irony and they had to talk about how this particular example was relevant to the play or what did it say/show about the character.  I was really happy with the outcome, students have now gotten a jump start on their essays without even knowing and I think this is something they will be thankful for even if they don't directly admit it to us.  And so I end this blog tonight with the thought of a new day rising, coming, approaching...tomorrow will bring about its new surprises, challenges, excitement and hopefully success.

Caretakers of the Human Soul

There's so many things I could blog about....I've found out being at Central that a school day is filled with tons of learning and surprises.  So there's this particular girl who is always shy, quiet and seems to be trying.  We learned that she has a disability but she is still placed in a regular classroom.  Yesterday I was working with her on developing a web and she finally opened up!!!! I was happy we started off with destiny and found out that she wants to be a model, which is going to be hard because life is hard and she has no clue as to why life is hard.  But then it started happening, at first I didn't know what was going on.  She started shaking and at that point I asked what was going on.  It only got worse, she started convulsing really badly and making loud noises....I didn't know what to do, I started holding her hands but it only got worse.  She was going to fall and the student next to her was really scared, they all were, they didn't know what was going on.   Then she was going to fall to the floor and something clicked inside of me.  I moved the desk and got next to her...I held her and helped on to the floor.  My heart stopped for the minutes I was holding her and she started bleeding and her eyes got full of blood.  I honestly thought she was having a stroke in my arms...it was heartbreaking to feel that she was in such pain and I couldn't help her, I didn't know how.  I only did what I could and held her in my arms until it was over, tears ran down my cheeks for the girl who was viciously shaking and vomiting blood but I didn't care all I wanted was for it to be over.  When it was finally over the students in the classroom were scared, they didn't know what was going on and I had forgotten they existed.  The nurse was called by the teacher and she came.  She said she suffered from seizures and that she was going to be okay.  I didn't want to let her go and put her on the floor, I waited for it to be all over and helped her onto her desk.  Our students were moved into another classroom because they were in shock.  We couldn't get in contact with her mom or her brother, when we finally did we had already called the ambulance.  After about an hour she was taken to the hospital.  I met her mom and all I could do was assure her that when it happened I was there.  I felt connected to this mother, her daughter was vulnerable and I'm so glad I could be there to help.  She told me that last time it happened, it happened outside of school grounds and she broke one side of her face because she fell on the pavement.  That story broke my heart, for something like this to happen and as a mother not being able to be there do for your daughter.

It is then that I am satisfied with being a mother, that I find some answers to why I want to be a teacher.  We are caretakers of the human soul, yes it is true; I was a witness of this yesterday.  School is a second home and I don't mind playing the part of a warming, comforting and welcoming mother.  I am by no means a hero, all I am is a mother who thought of her daughter and did what I would have done if she was my child.

Key Moments: The Importance of Connections

Oedipus The King....one play that I wasn't looking forward to reading and I don't think 10th graders would feel very different.  Two weks later after cooperating at Central all that has changed.  For one thing I like this play...it is interesting...on the other side the students at Central don't love it but don't hate it also.  They are excited to participate in the reading, they know the story, understand it and are participants in learning about this play.  What schocked me the most is how well they make connections!!!

As a teacher one thing that you desire is to make a work that you are reading relevant to your students.  It is one of the guaranteed ways that they will be involved in their learning and that this is learning that they will take with them.  Students we have been working with have been able to do this easily, from a writing prompt about what happens in families when there is conflict to today's writing activity that asked students to ask a question about the play.

As the discussion fueled a key moment knocked the classroom door.  A student mentioned that there are still shows which have mothers and sons falling in love.  Of course they were all schocked by this part of the play, but I got to take advantage and use this opportunity to apply what I had learned many times in my education classes.  I quickly raised my hand and directed myself to the students, I talked about how sometimes we ask ourselves why we read works of literature that were written centuries ago and that we might not care for.  I mentioned what they had just said about the show they saw and what was going on in the play.  They made the connection and I just helped them see this in a more concrete way.  I took advantage of a teachable moment and told them that even though this play was written a long time ago, issues that we were encountering were still relevant to our society today.  The play might have been written long ago but this issues still exist today, cases like what happened between Oedipus and his mom still happen; only the Oedipus was not by choice.  This is why literature is still important, it helps us put issues into perspective and explore other societies that might not be too different from us.

I was extremely fullfiled that I could provide my insight and opinion.  I was happy that I could make them see something that they had put together but was hanging in mid air.  I saw for the first time the value of a teaching moment.  I understood how important it is to grasp it and exploit it.  My observations are sure teaching me and nevertheless giving me tools to put in my teacher toolbelt. 

Storytelling: Finding Your Own Voice

Allergies and life have kept me busy...it was hard to blog but I am back!!! This week I was confronted with searching for a topic to research for my writing class.  After much tought I decided to research about student's personal stories in the classroom.

One of the reasons why I chose this topic were the numerous conversations with classmates this semester when doing some of the papers we had been assigned.  In the past papers were often what teachers wanted and chose, this semester however opened up an opportunity for students to write from personal experience.  My classmates found this to be interesting, engaging and my professor found it authentic.  My peers found that papers were easier to write and that the final product was something they wanted to cherished.  I also found myself thinking the same, it is a piece of writing that I want to share with my daughter since the subject is her ultrasound picture or it is a piece of writing that I want to share with my students because it talks about how I became to love writing. 

Stories from our own lives open up a world of experiences different for everyone in the classroom.  Stories might be similar but they won't be exactly the same, this is enriching for those looking for authenticity in writing.  This view showed me to value my writing more since it is a testament of my growth as a writer, learner and teacher.  It is also valuable since in the future I can show these pieces to people around me who Might find a bit of inspiration in my stories. 

I once wrote a paper on Native American storytelling and how this tradition is highly valued in their society.  I contrasted that to how now a days we mainly stick to a cannon of writers often forgetting that we ourselves are storytellers, worthy of telling our own stories.  Today I see the importance of injecting this into the minds of our students.  It is important that they feel their stories are valuable, it is important that we give their stories a place in the classroom...it is important to encourage them to write outside of classroom walls.  Students need to develop a voice and an identity in a world that is often controlled by others above them. 

The Journey That Began With a Single Step

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."- Robert Frost There's definitely two sides to education and the classrooms that exist in our communities.  When I was asked where I would like to do my field work I jumped at the opportunity and chose an urban school.  After all I graduated from Central Falls High School, a low performing, urban and certainly controversial school.  My experience as a student there and an observer taught me that I have so much to give,,,,so much to give to communities like the one I come from.  Students are taken for granted, most times they are not given the opportunity, instead they are judged and looked at badly.  Issues ranging from bad classroom management, to not speaking English and most of all the belief that a lot of them can't learn, that they are not meant to be part of the education world.  Not caring about all of this and using my own experience I made the choice to learn from the students at Central High. Ms. Friendson said "this is my worst class right now, but by the end of the year it is probably the one I will love the most." This to me was a shocker, the class that gave her so much trouble and tested her patience minute after minute would be the one to fulfill her most at the end of the school year....but then I realized, she is the optimistic teacher, the model that brought me here in the first place.  Those teachers who don't care if they are in an urban or suburban school they are there to believe in their students.  In her case a teacher who I have only worked with over the past week but who has already given me enough reasons to believe that thanks to teachers like her students like the ones at Central have a beautiful opportunity to learn and feel equal.  Walking into this classroom was a shocker, twenty five sets of eyes all fixed upon me and my partner...all scrutinizing us and probably looking for weak spots to test us on.  An hour and a half later sitting in his car and reminiscing on how the class went we felt scared but at the same time excited and looking forward to being there again.  Yes call us crazy but this is the classroom we will be teaching at the end of the  month and as optimistic as it sounds one that we hope to learn much from. I guess one bad class is balanced with another that is probably the complete opposite.  Yes students at urban schools can behave, can listen and don't need classroom management skills all year long.  The second class we entered was the complete opposite, one that contained twenty five students also, who were more friendly than the past class, quieted down quicker, did their work without having to be told to and yet we quickly found ourselves somewhat bored.  Not that we didn't like this classroom and maybe it is the fact that my partner and I are just twenty two and twenty three, it was not too long ago that we ourselves made part of classroom such as the one we were in and the one from the previous period.  Ms. Friendson had to leave to a meeting and soon we found ourselves overshadowing the substitute teacher to start grasping any opportunity we had with them.  Not a lesson plan in hand, only a few verbal directions from the Ms. Friendson, some observing of what had gone down in the past period  and soon we found ourselves leading them into reading the Oedipus and helping with homework afterward.  They trusted us!!! maybe it was that we are young, different people in the class or how I told them that we had chosen to be there, that we were excited to work and learn with them that touched their hearts but we had a blast.  We learned on the spot planning, classroom management and successful attempts at helping them with their homework.  I haven't been there a whole year but I can see why Ms. Friendson is a veteran teacher that could probably be hired in another school of her choice, especially those who won't give her a lot of trouble in the classroom but chooses to stay here.  All these kids need is an opportunity and teachers who feel as lucky and grateful to teach them as teaching the daughters of the president. Going up and down the aisles and meeting  the characters in both of these classes I can only hope to spend more time here, to learn and teach from these students.  It will probably be a challenge but education has been the biggest challenge ever since I signed up for the program at Rhode Island College.  The classes are not easy, the program is hard and frustrating...but my joy lies in these classrooms.  Working with the people that surrounded me in the community where I graduated from and wanting to give back to them.  We go back tomorrow and I cannot wait to experience the adventures that await us, good or bad I am optimistic, I am open minded and most of all I am ready. “Identity was partly heritage, partly upbringing, but mostly the choices you make in life." -Briggs.

Outlasting Mortality: Tonight You Are Here With Us

“Nothing is ever really lost to us as long as we remember it.” -L.M. Montgomery.

Numerous memories exit today in my mind, many that I hold close to my heart.  Great teachers who no matter their absence leave behind a footprint that the past cannot erase.  You parted from this world in 2009 due to a sad cause, your life ended unexpectedly.  Occhi you have been gone now for four years, since that dreadful afternoon that is still bitter to remember.  Even so you made sure your life and actions as a teacher and a friend would remain as testimony for those who were a part of your life at one point or another.  In the classroom you were an awesome teacher, inspiring your students in the most weird and hard to understand ways.  As a coach in the many extracurricular activities you participated in you always  devoted yourself.  Besides all of this you were still a beautiful human being, building bonds past the classroom, past graduation...for this reason I still have the card you gave to me at my wedding.  

Tonight you are the reason for this piece, tonight the memories of you are my reflection.  You were a fan of the Oakland A's and their pass to the playoffs made my mind wonder to that place that you now inhabit and to the fact that you're not here walking this earth but your memories still remain.  I am happy your A's made it to the playoffs for this triggered a beautiful memory of you in my mind, this brought back the teacher who was also a fan outside of the classroom.  I no longer find you in the classroom you used to hold, but I do find you in a special place...the memories you left behind in my heart.  I'm sure many of your students also feel the same way, even though we cannot talk to you, we cannot visit you at the old high school, you still remain a big part of their lives.   Truth is you impacted many of our young lives.  As your A's make it in another year the news of their division win open up a chest of memories that are connected to you.  Teachers are wonderful individuals that can instill memories in their student's minds and hearts, they are special "angels" who come to us and touch our lives.  It is because of some of those "angels" that I am inspired to be in the teaching program.  It is because of their impact and their teachings that I in part wish to dedicate my life to this profession; in the hopes of someday modeling the same for my students.

Tonight I am remembering you, tonight your memories are not lost...tonight you are here with us.    A long distance separates our bodies but the Oakland A's unite our thoughts.  Thank you for the legacy you left behind, thank you for inspiring me, thank you for being a great teacher and an unforgettable friend.  Your life was cut short, but Michael Occhi by no means are you or will be forgotten.  

“The things we do outlast our mortality. The things we do are like monuments that people build to honor heroes after they've died. They're like the pyramids that the Egyptians built to honor the pharaohs. Only instead of being made of stone, they're made out of the memories people have of you.”  -R.J. Palacio

              Michael Occhi, English teacher, coach, friend...Oakland A's fanatic.

All The Different Faces Enclosed in One Space

I'm glad i'm another different face among the many in the classroom.  Twenty five students and they all come from a variety of different racial backgrounds.  I have always been that type of person who likes to see difference.  Sitting there I saw many different faces staring back at me probably thinking "she is young."  It was a classroom where you could see many different nationalities come together as one.  They are all here under one roof, under the responsibility of one person...under one singular curriculum.  This classroom which represents the reality of the many classrooms across the United States of America.  A majority of classrooms across the states inevitably filled with students from different races and backgrounds; it is truly what we are made up of.  Different shades of skin color, different eyes looking back at you, different languages...different people who all contribute to the cause that is American education.


Central High school or one of the many urban high schools are the perfect place to feel swarmed by a wave of different nationalities.  An urban classroom  is like a bag full of different flavors of candy...all wrapped differently and all different flavors.  I love this classroom, the one that allows me to experience what it means to see the different racial experiences on a daily basis.  The classroom where I can teach the many backgrounds that make up society outside classroom walls.  The classroom I can learn from in many different ways enriching my own experience through this life.  A classroom that for one is not singular,  which is not mostly made up of this or that. Rather it is one which is perfect because of all the different faces that make up this small society of young people...the same that stare back at me.

"We allow our ignorance to prevail upon us and make us think we can survive alone, alone in patches, alone in groups, alone in races, even alone in genders." -Maya Angelou

The Dreaded Question

We didn't listen to Eye of The Tiger or I will survive, but I did stop by Dunkin Donuts to get a coffee.  Something I do every day but felt I needed more today.  Then we went up the entrance of where we were supposed to take the interstate and no matter how much we hoped or prayed we found ourselves with the fact that there was a ridiculous amount of traffic.  Gladly enough we made in time and having students help us with finding the entrance, we made ourselves into the building.

Our first encounter was with the people at the office, who were very nice and welcoming.  Then a drum beat sounded somewhere off in the distance as we made ourselves to our cooperating teacher's classroom.  Two minutes later we stood outside of her classroom and extended our hands to introduce ourselves and greet her.  Gladly enough one of the things she said to me was, "you look very professional."  This comment while very simple took a huge weight off my shoulders, especially after I had spent numerous hours worrying about how I would look.  But then came the question that drives this whole post today.  A question that I dread being asked and sometimes I do not know how to answer.  One that I feel I should probably have a paper written for to explain my rationale.  Why do you want to be a teacher?  Not having enough time to answer this question I just summarized it to liking English and wanting to work with students.  There is actually so much more that I would say though....

There is that quote that says "one day you will know why it never worked with anybody else," today reflecting on this question I realized why it never worked in any other career.  Three career changes later I finally arrived at what many call "their true calling."  I might have listened to my high school teachers telling me that I should pursue a career in teaching and yes I probably thought they were crazy, but exposing myself to the teaching program at Rhode Island College and observing in many school it is then that I found what makes me feel like I am at the right place.

In high school people would ask me, "so what do you want to go to college for?"  Back then my answer was, I want to be a Police Officer.  Thinking back I think, "whoa has that view changed."  That came to change about the time I found out I was pregnant and realized this was a job that risked my life on a daily basis and there would be someone home who needed me to come and be part of her life.  It was then when I realized this was probably not the career for me.  Yes I do respect the officers who protect us and risk their lives, it is an honorable job but I was probably too selfish at the thought of risking the chance of leaving my daughter without a mother figure.

After that I switched my view and decided I wanted to be a nurse.  This was probably due to the fact that there are four doctors in my family.  I remembered the days back in the old country and how I used to watch my grandfather who was a doctor attend his patients.  This probably filled my mind with the possibility that this was a way to help people and one that I wanted to pursue.  But then there were the boring, rote learning classes that did not inspire anything out of their students.  Well they inspired me to go out and drink with my other lab buddies after a session of anatomy.  Yes we smelled like formaldehyde but we still didn't care, we need it desperately to forget all the numerous veins in the body that threatened to fail us in the next test.  I made it all the way to needing one class before applying to the program when I decided to drop it.  I remember curling up into a ball and crying.  Crying because I knew how much of my time I had devoted to this program and at the end it would not work for me.

It was after all of this that as I have mentioned before to other people, I made my way to my English teacher's classroom to tell her of my career change.  Only she knew what I was there for and waited until I told her the story to tell she knew why I was there.  I guess at that point in time I needed comfort, support and understanding for dropping a program and going into a new one.  I was glad I went, I felt so much lighter after and understood that I was ready to take the journey of a lifetime.

My first semester at RIC was full of establishing a foundation.  There was a special class that taught me about the inequalities within education.  There were so many and this was something that I knew about from graduating from Central Falls High School.  Even so I stayed and in my second to last semester I have discovered how teaching fulfills a void deep inside my heart.  One that starts with wanting to pay back a society that needs teachers who come from lower class schools and know of the inequalities in diverse classroom to one filled with great English teachers who continue to be my models.

But teaching is much more than that.  It was being at Central where I saw that I would not want to be anywhere else or doing anything else but teaching.  Yes teaching is a challenge, but I like a challenge.  Life is not easy at least not in my world and the more challenges you accept the better you become at surviving.  I don't see myself sitting in front of a computer all day and making more money,,,I do see myself however standing in front of students and making less money but nevertheless interacting with human beings.  I know adolescent's are full of hormones and whatsoever but I also believe they are bright individuals who need to be kindled.

With that said, I am realistic enough to know that I am not going to transform a whole system of education.  I do however know that a little bit at a time helps.  I want to be a teacher because I have passion for the subject that I want to teach.  I love the reality of teaching no matter how messed up it is.  Every time I go into a new school I never leave thinking this is not the career I want to pursue.  Instead I want to learn more and be more involved.  Teaching is a magnificent career to pursue, one that I do at home and one that I hope to do outside of it.    

After all of this is when I realize,,,"this is why it never worked in any career, this was the reason I dropped all the other programs...teaching was my true calling and once I got to it I knew I was in for the ups and downs."

A Closet Full of Possible Impressions

I can think of few first impressions that have stayed with me forever.  The day I walked down the aisle all dressed in white and saw my husband waiting at the altar looking stunning.  Wow what an impression that was.  It certainly made my heart beat faster and feel nervous and happy at the same time.  Then there was the image of seeing my daughter for the first time.  Covered in amneotic fluid and probably blood it was a beautiful memory that will never leave my mind.  Meeting my baby girl for the first time and without any clothing on was an experience I will never be able to fully describe.  So with those two impressions that come from my own experience I want to talk about first impressions as I head into Central High School tomorrow.

First of all as I am going through my new teacher wardrobe I'm having a hard time picking out an outfit.  Yes I have different color pants and yes numerous blouses and sweaters that would perfectly go with them but I still can't manage to pick one.  Spending all this time in picking an outfit I wonder why are first impressions so important? Why does it matter so much what I am going to wear tomorrow?  Why does the way we look define who we are?

I guess we can start by exploring the fact that first impressions are important.  No matter how many times over the past two years I had met with the person that is now my husband, the day I married him one of the important things was the way I was dressed.  Brides often spend a long time picking out their dress; this part of a wedding is so important that they now have a show called "say yes to the dress.". Surely enough this goes along the lines of "the dress you wear says a lot about you and putting out the right message is something we all desire."  So as u
I pick my outfit, I think "I sure do not want to look unprofessional, this would be a bad thing considering teachers have to look like professionals."  Like we said in class we don't want to blend in with our students.  Then I don't want to look too young.  While I am only twenty three years old, I want to look like a responsible person and not someone who might not be able to control a classroom in the near future.  My biggest fear is probably where I don't want to attract any sexual thoughts from my students.  As scary as it sounds there's teachers out there who constitute this discourse and I certainly  don't want to be the teacher who has her students fantasizing about her.  I want to portray the responsible individual I want to be in the future of this profession and clothes are a way to start doing this.  Before my cooperating teacher sees anything else, she will first see the way I am dressed.  That thought in itself could have me having nightmares tonight....

Whether we want to or not clothes certainly define who we are as individuals in this society.  Some clothes are more valued than others and this is why we have brands like Nike or Jordan.  Also you have to know what clothes are appropriate for each setting.  For example we would not wear a bathing suit to prom.  Although thinking about it some prom dresses show much more than they should.  Going to meet with my teacher tomorrow I don't want to be defined as someone who is unprepared or "slutty."  I want my clothes to say "I thought about this outfit a lot I hope it makes me look professional enough that you feel comfortable at having me around your students." I think I am not the only person in my class who worries about this and I believe this is also normal. 

But it is also important to understand what first impressions do to our image.  How they shape, build and define us in front of the eyes of others.  If  impressions weren't as important then why does a bride care so much for what she's going to wear on that special day.  Sure enough a first impression is not going to label you as something forever, since they can also change.  The first time I met ny daughter she was not the most pleasant sight and with the passing days and years she has changed that.  I understand though that part of my profession is looking the part, this is why is so important to me that I look my best tomorrow.  I'm sure there are many other things that can be said about first impressions, probably longer than what I wrote here.  I am also certain that some people don't share this particular view and I respect that.  I guess now it is time to go back to my closet and hopefully put something together that will give off the right impression tomorrow. 

Eyes On The Prize

Often enough I felt like I wanted to give up, other times I have been told by others that I'm not going anywhere. What hurt the most is that it was people close to me. Regardless of all this I have made up my mind, left those negative thoughts behind and have adhere to keeping my eyes on the prize.  At what price though....the price of receiving a higher education. That piece of paper that is highly valued within our society.  The one that opens doors, that talks volumes and gives an identity and power to those who hold it, obtain it...achieve it.  Most importantly at what cost???? Hmmmm let me count the ways.  Well I would have to start with all the frustrations starting from not finding parking spaces because in any given semester the school that I attend has decided to implement a new parking procedure to the sleepless three and four hour nights that mark up most of the days in my calendar.  Then there is all the sacrifices especially if you have a family...those are the hardest but also the most motivational.  One day being able to pay my parents for making the sacrifice of coming to this country and leaving everything behind.  I am thankful that my program is so rewarding though.  Like the fact that I write papers inspired on my daughter.  Also the plan that I have of one day showing her all the good she brought out in me, how she gave me stories to tell that made me unique.  It is then that I see the real value, the motor that keeps me going...it is then that I fix my eyes on that beloved and desired prize and that I'm willing to pay the cost!!!

I have been wondering how to transmit this to my students, how to inspire my students to fix their eyes on the prize.  I guess then I have my testimonials...starting from when I was a little girl who came to this country scared and anxious.  To going to one of the lowest performing schools called Central Falls.  A school that I think a whole nation knows because of the negative reputation the teachers there have and all the controversies.  That same school that I come from, that gave me so much. I am thankful enough that I come from there, it made me who I am, a better person a more rounded individual.  Especially those teachers who inspired me to arrive at Rhode Island College and take on education. 

Maybe college is not for everybody but an important skill to have is staying true to your dreams until you achieve them.  This is something that I hope my students learn from me, aside from all the other content I have to teach them.  A real life skill that I want to teach them is the fact that keeping our eyes on the prize helps us be someone in this society that often puts us down.  The most important part is that no matter what dream or achievement it is, when one holds, when one savors it, when one can says I'm proud of myself, I did it...that is the biggest, most incredible feeling of fullfillment a human being can elevate to!!! Students need to have this, to feel hungry for what they want, to see the positive in education.  I believe it is done more easily with an educator that models this, that has lived this and who wants to somehow, someway help students discover this valuable skill to have.

After all there was that quote that says "the greatest pleasure in life, is doing the things people say we cannot do."

Sleepless Nights With Windows of Possibilities

Three O' Clock in the morning last night and I could barely sleep...this is bad considering I had to be up at seven to get my daughter ready for school.  Not to forget I have to work at the place where customers just demand their food without caring for having any consideration that it is busy and that we don't cook in microwaves!!!! I couldn't sleep because i'm excited...there is a new chapter of my life unfolding in front of my eyes and I feel like a little kid with a christmas gift.  Only I have seen my daughter ripping through her christmas gifts like there is no tomorrow and I instead want to open iy slowly and savor the moment.  To have this opportunity is to behold another experience life has to offer.

Teaching must come from the heart and at home I am already a teacher.  I teach my husband because he is an ESL learner.  Offering him help whenever he has school work to get done.  The best teaching however comes from teaching my daughter.  That litlle tiny person who I once had to teach that waking up in the middle of the night would not make mommy happy and which now I have to teach her about the world outside the confines of our home.  I feel extremely rewarded, for example this week when she showed me how she is a kind person in a drawing she made and my heart beated a little faster at the tought that I must be doing something right.

I know the classroom will not be the four walls of my home or my students the little girl who grew up inside of me, but I know that many students call their schools a "second home" and that the teaching profession puts us in positions of care givers.  I approach this new chapter hungry for learning, so that when the day comes for me to have my own classroom all these experiences will help me.  This program has already defined a lot about who I am and where I am going but there's still much to be said and that is only going to build itself when i'm there, in the actual classroom.  Teaching those who are not my blood but whom I owe it to, to teach them about the English language and hope to be that teacher who opens up a window of possibilities.  Just like many of my teachers were for me.

So Here I go, It's my shot

It took me long enough to set up this blog.  Titles like Brave New Student Teacher, Portrait of a Hungry Student, Tender is English Education and Mission: Learning to Educate didn't make the cut.  I reflected for about an hour and multiple times asked my husband what he thought.  I'm sure he is glad I finally decided upon one.  So about my title, it's part of my story.  Numerous times people ask me what am I going to school for and every time I say "I want to be an educator," they seriously look at me like I lost my mind.  I do however think that to want to be an educator, one must be somewhat crazy.  If after all you hear on the news, the pay and what you have to deal with does not make you want to drop the program, then we have a little bit of crazy inside of us.  However it is something positive.  I cannot wait to arrive at my cooperating teacher classroom at Central High School with my teaching partner Emmanuel Ramos and grasp the opportunity.  Little by little every semester we have been taking baby steps and this is a new step on this journey.  One that has already proven to be insomniac, tiring, frustrating and yet rewarding.  I picture my crazy self putting on some inspirational song and listening to it on my way to exit 21 until I finally arrive at the brick facade which is Central High School.  Something like "Eye of The Tiger," or maybe "I Will Survive."  Of course arriving at this new classroom will be a roller coaster of anxiety, fear, excitement and hunger all at the same time. But being prepared and in the right set of mind is key. To want to be a teacher, it means you must want to wake up every day with the desire to give, the desire to learn and the desire to motivate your self in order to motivate others.  It also means to listen to what others have to say and pretend not to listen.  As I go into this new step of my journey, I cannot erase what has been said in the past or what will be said in the present or future.  I do however can embrace the moment, capture the experience, seize the opportunity and lose myself.   So when I am there for the first time and in conjunction with not only my friend but my partner in the classroom we can only hope that we learn more about the vast world of teaching.